In order to overcome shame we must consider the purpose of our shame. Is there a learning available, or an opportunity to show up in the world with more authenticity and integrity? Quite often, shame does not end with, or result in positive growth. It repeatedly rears its head, keeping us in a state of self-hate and self-flagilation.
Can Information Alone Eliminate Shame From Your Life?
Information: “Your ‘wrongdoings’ do not need to command your mental state beyond the point of learning and growth!”
There, I told you the truth, now the problem is solved, no more shame. Go out into the world and be amazing! By the time we have this knowledge, is the problem of shame solved across the board? No more shame? Well this can help to loosen shame and may actually be enough to release it, or move on from it on occasion. It depends how deeply your understanding has taken hold.
It is entirely normal, however, to know something and not to feel it. Emotions and cognition can exist separately, governed by separate systems, or circuits within the brain – the Amygdala and the Pre-Frontal Cortex. The good news is they can be convinced to cooperate and coordinate (1, 2).
So what to do in those situations where shame is sticky, despite your rational knowledge that it is a false interpretation made by some other part of that amazing lump of fat in your head?
Why Doesn’t Your Whole Brain Understand What You Understand?
We often think of our brain as a centralised system, operating under one directive, but this isn’t really true. There are bits of your brain that know you mustn’t have another biscuit, whilst other parts are certain that you’ll need the extra energy. It can be as if these parts have never communicated with one another, or don’t even know the other exists.
We often make the mistake of thinking that the fearful emotional locus in the brain (centred largely in the amygdala) understands and processes information, in the same way that the prefrontal cortex does. However, reasoning, analysing and decision-making will go way over the head of your amygdala!
The amygdala may be more inclined to calm down because of the WAY you talk (or think), the pace, the intonation, the rhythm, rather than the CONTENTS of your language. Meditation, relaxing music and breathing strategies are wonderful ways to calm the amygdala. It is no coincidence that hypnotherapy, self-hypnosis and guided meditation combine all these elements.
Why Hypnotherapy, Self-Hypnosis and Guided Meditation Can be Wonderful Ways to Overcome Shame?
Once the foundation of deep relaxation is established, a good hypnotherapist, or meditation guide might then layer in positive resourcefulness. Positive resources can include helpful states of being, gathered from positive memories, like a time when you felt that you belonged, or were loved, for example.
These resources are brought to the surface and made more readily available to you. This is an ideal platform from which to get in touch with an uncomfortable, or unhelpful state, like shame. You will find that getting in touch with the uncomfortable state, or feeling brings acceptance – slowly and incrementally, or occasionally, suddenly. This process moves at its own pace and cannot be rushed. It requires patience and repetition. Ultimately the shameful state integrates as an appreciated asset, instead of a problem. Your view and opinion of it will change, along with your sensory experience of it. It may feel softer, or lighter, it may look more colourful, or sound more encouraging. At this stage, the label of “shame” may no longer fit with what you experience.
This processing and meaning-making of the shameful event is now part of a new brain circuit called the ‘default mode network’.
Giving Back, Paying Forward, or Not – no One is Judging!
Now you have done the legwork, you can think clearly. You may, or may not feel it important to make resolutions involving others who may have been part of a shame-related event. It depends completely on your value system and what happened. Was the shame you originally experienced truly related to any mistake you were responsible for? It often isn’t when the dust clears. It depends if anyone who was involved is still around, whether you are ready, whether they are ready, or whether it is likely to be helpful. This is an optional part of the healing process, directed by you, supported by me.
Wellbeing is not fundamentally transactional. You don’t need to pay for it with kindness. Although you may choose to hold that as a belief, which is fine. Regardless, when you have more kindness than you know what to do with, you will naturally pay it forward, or give it back.
Could Shame be a Source for Your Purposefulness?
It is super powerful to take inspiration from your journey through shame, and out the other side, and apply it to your purposefulness, your exploration and direction in life.
When you have an overflowing of kindness you can begin to channel it.
It is impossible to live, or die without impacting the lives of others. It is your choice what that impact looks like. Where it is possible to choose, you can choose the shape you carve out in the world and what that does for others and the world. This transcendence of shame may inspire your path, or reinforce the path you are already on.
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